You write more in a broken poetic structure. one where structure and rhyming is not a requirement. It's a good read, could use some changes with regard to wording but it reads good.
It won't sing at all with a tune.
You need to remain in today's required
VVBC Song Break VC end song for the most part of your work.
Now you can go on and continue to write good poetry, and even enter some contests and may do well but in the music world you'll have to change trains.
