Heartbreak- A Blessing in Disguise for Songwriters pt. 2

by Ethan Michael Wiley
(Belleville, IL.)

Heartbreak- A Blessing in Disguise for Songwriters pt. 2

**DISCLAIMER: EVERYTHING IN THIS STORY HAS BEEN ALREADY HANDLED TO THE FULLEST EXTENT OF THE LAW, IN OTHER WORDS, DON'T FREAK OUT BECAUSE DRUGS ARE MENTIONED!!**

We agreed to break up with our dates and finally get together(I acted chill about the whole thing, but on the inside I was jumping up and down like a 5 year old boy after recieving his most favorite birthday gift), and being the rebel I am, found a way to screw up my seemingly perfect world.
It started with my mom- she didn't approve of the girl I was dating, because my mom refused to believe that I was that bad and blamed my girlfriend for what happened to me before(due to the fact that she was dating the guy I had threatened when I made the threat), so I found a way to go behind her back and date her anyways.
Another issue: money. I used to have it illegally, I no longer had any, and I wanted some to get my girlfriend something worthwhile for valentines day. This led to the final issue- drugs- and was ultimately the deciding factor that lead me to the life I have now.
I figured that problem #1 was easy to take care of, and I could go behind my mom's back forever(this was a crucial mistake, mothers know EVERYTHING) and problem #2 could be resolved with problem #3- and I began selling perscription medications. I was discovered of course, which lead to the biggest problem of all: MY DAD?!
Yep. She called him, and in Febuary he came to the house out of nowhere and left with me on a train that night. I called my girlfriend, and at that point we were both kinda in shock from the whole thing. We agreed to stay together long distance, because there was a chance I could have moved back to North Dakota that summer.
Depression found a way to get a hold of me, and I turned back to drugs in St. Louis; in fact, it got to the point that I was high and disoriented almost everyday, and couldn't even remember half of our conversations. My songwriting at this point was dead, though for about a week I stayed clean after almost losing her, and I wrote her a very romantic and soft instrumental, which to this day I play when giving any piano performance or demonstration.
I relapsed yet again of course, and I was so disoriented that I talked about mere dilusions and hallucinations to her on the phone. Then, SHE started having her own issues(conflict with her friendships and unresolved emotions) and I was definitely not ready to help anybody else out.
She called me one day, telling me that she needs to be left alone for a couple days so that she can fix some of her issues since I definitely wasn't being much help, and I happened to be extremely drunk(big suprise there). I threatened to expose her and some of her secrets after taking what she said the completely wrong way; even now I sometimes have trouble accepting what I've done, because I can never imagine how it was possible for me to threaten somebody I love so much.
We broke up of course, and I could no longer even attempt to get her back, because I had been blocked from her phone, and all emails I sent to her went through her mom first, who immediately deleted them. This hurt me even further, so I proceeded to OD on several OTC medications as well as a perscription med, and my next memory was in another suicide ward(Hyland, St. Antony's Hospital, St. Louis, Missouri).
After a vivid dream I had, where I was talking to God and he was showing me the good and bad I've done in my life, and where to turn to, I had a newfound determination: become heard.

After I was weined off the drugs I had commonly used, I began to write and play my music. That's all I did, from sun-up to sun-down, and often all night. I wrote lyrics to express my feelings: my bitterness towards myself, towards the world, towards her... and then It would turn into extreme sadness that consumed me, as tears would roll down my face; a surprising gesture considering all the male bravado and rebellious attitude I had. These songs were full of raw emotion and insecurity which could've probably made hitler cry.
Sadness turned into anger and frustration because of all the choices I had made, and I wrote songs that seemed more like being punched in the gut, grabbed by the neck, and forced to watch my own f*ck-ups then something intended for people to listen to.
The anger led to regret, particularly over things I did, and a constant wish that I could go back and fix them, which temporarily led to anger once again because I knew that at my age, I shouldn't feel such a high level of regret. Of course it went back to regret again, and these songs seemed full of "What-ifs..?" and "...Why's".
Finally, the regret lead to a fierce determination to change myself, for myself- this way, I would never have to go through what I already had in two short years. These songs were the most inspiring, and by far my best work.
Do some of the other emotions still come up? Yeah, especially the sadness... I'm not even going to lie and say that this experience changed me so much that I don't ever feel regret. She's still on my mind constantly, and probably will be for a long time- my song writing took the place of my drugs, meaning they help it for a while, but they don't heal the situation. Only time heals lost love, and if anybody assumed from reading this articles that the secret to getting over heartbreak using music would be answered, I apologize.
There is no secret. Heartbreak is heartbreak, and just like its name suggests, you've been broken. It's just like falling out a two story window- some people are weak and they die, while others are lucky and land correctly so that they may fully heal and go about their lives as they normally would. Most common though, is that they won't die, and they won't land optimally. They will heal to an extent, but they may carry scars for the rest of their lives or maybe even carry on their lives crippled.
I find for songwriter's purposes, it's a blessing as well because some of our best work comes from these experiences. It becomes part of who we are, and I am a better person now then I was before. It is currently 6:10 P.M. CT, August 27th, 2011. I have been clean since April 20th, 2011(Don't laugh at the date), and I am looking for a promising career in the music industry, most likely production unless by some stroke of luck I land a record deal. I've taken singing lessons, have a gift in piano(I can play by ear and read music), and I am an excellent Guitarist in various styles both acoustic and electric.
My music is now who I am, and I strive to be my music. I will soon post my work on this website in various selections and timings based on the emotional feeling of the song(genre will be considered as well, of course). Best of luck to all songwriters, and even if my story inspires just one person, I will be content knowing that I helped them on their path to musical(as well as emotional) knowledge and success.