I understand your writing and it could be a good rap genre song if you only knew how to write it in a "song" structure.
Start off with your lyrics (which i call just a paragraph) and break it down into rhyming short sentences or thoughts.
Rap is notorious for poetic structure so why you have not done so is strange to me.
Poetic structure:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sugar is sweet
And so are you.
Got it? Poetic structure. Get the lyrics to any rap song and you'll see they pretty much follow a poetic structure. All music does (99%).
Once you have it in this format you can read through it and tell if it still rhymes or if you're gonna have to go back and add a word, delete a word, expound on an idea or ??????
It's nowhere long enough yet for a song. It'll have to be 3 times as long but it has promise if you can re-do it like the system demands.
You want to write a short story? Then keep writing like you have. You want to write a song, then change your approach. I may hear of you one day!
